Today, I’m not ok.
Today, I miss him so much that there is an ever-present clench in my heart no matter how hard I try to suppress it.
Today, the pain feels almost as bad as it did when we first broke it off.
I attended an old friend’s wedding yesterday with a bunch of other friends whom I’ve stayed in touch with over the years. Since most of us are married, most of our time was spent talking about how sharing your life with someone is a balancing act. It requires tolerance, patience, the willingness to let a lot of things go instead of picking a fight with every small matter, and compromise. Lots of compromise.
Since I’m still trying to figure out things in my life, it was a nice opportunity to sit back and look at how my friends adapt and work in tandem with each other to make things work (or to feed their adorable kids who were refusing to eat).
And it dawned on me that although you may love someone with your whole heart and you would be willing to do anything for them, you can’t guarantee that the other person does and will, too.
Sometimes, we compromise so much that we realize it takes two people to make things work.
You can’t be the only one compromising and giving in.
You can’t be the only one to make sacrifices while the other person gets everything that he wants. Yes, love in unconditional. You can’t expect something from someone when you are giving your love to them. At the same time, if you are the only one giving, how is that relationship going to function?
Maybe that’s where I eventually went wrong. I was constantly walking on eggshells when it came to talking about my feelings with him because I didn’t want to look like I was clingy. Our general conversations were always fun but when it came to feelings, it was always a mess. Everytime I had to bring up a personal conversation, I would always feel guilty afterwards because things would become awkward very fast.
Although I still need some self-convincing from time to time, I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I should have the right to ask for clarifications or explanations when I’m uncertain about things. The requests do not have to be delivered in a negative way because it will simply backfire if you attack with anger, though. In fact, I think the only time we actually really fought was last week, and we’re not even together anymore. Sure, we had disagreements here and there but never a full out angerfest. I’m not even going to slag him off here because I know that I cannot expect a person mirror my emotional standards or needs.
When a person doesn’t seem to match your standards and needs, it is not his fault. It is just who he is. However, it is a problem when you keep matching his standards and needs but he is refusing to meet yours. The ex did try. I’ve seen him attempt it many times. But maybe it eventually just got too much for him? Or maybe our cultural differences played a part too. I come from a culture where it is a cultural norm to always be gentle with your words so that you do not offend the person you are talking to. He, however, comes from a culture where subtext does not exist. Everything is very much literal and direct. So you can imagine the amount of offense and confusion that occurred between us.
Maybe I’m going through a relapse where I feel guilty for bring up certain issues in the relationship that were bugging me in a big way. Maybe today, I’m feeling that ever-friendly feeling of regret and wish that I shouldn’t have done what I did. Logically though, I realize that the issues were going to come up regardless. It was better for me to know early on than to know later when I’ve invested so much of my emotions on him. So, self, please shove that guilt away!
Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m rambling about here (because I’m so exhausted from travelling for the wedding) but I just needed to get these thoughts out because I just miss him so much and instead of choosing to sit and pine away for him, I’d rather express my thoughts like this.