It’s his birthday today.

I tried to do the whole sweet thing by sending him a birthday message at 12 am, although I had a feeling he’d be asleep by then. My intuition has been kicking into high gear lately and yesterday, after my midnight drinks, it kicked into overdrive and lasted throughout the night. Hence, a really sleepy me because I couldn’t fall asleep soundly. Come 7 a.m. (midnight his time), it was gone and that was how I knew he was asleep.

Maybe I’m stalking all the posts that he’s getting on Facebook. Maybe that’s not healthy and maybe I  am one centimeter away from psycholand. I suppose the fear stems from the fact that although I am secure of my position in his life and I’m very confident that he doesn’t our connection to ever end regardless of the capacity that we’re in each other’s lives, I’m still uncertain about whether there is another girl in the picture. I gut instinct says there isn’t but I just have to be sure. And although this may be an unhealthy way of finding out (not to mention fallible), at least something is better than nothing.

I don’t know how he’s going to react to what I did for him or whether he’s even going to be excited or happy about it. The last time I sent him a birthday message, it was met with him ignoring me completely until I asked for his opinion. He may hate it or he may ignore it the way he did the first time around. It’s unfair but I cannot help but expect for the worst each time because he has hurt me so many times before in the past.

So we’ll see. Personally, I am not a fan of the ‘giving the person a second chance’ routine when it comes to my dating life but I suppose I will make him an exception. And I’m not a fan of just how long this second chance thing is being drawn out. Maybe, it’s life’s way of reminding me that we went through a lot for a whole year so reestablishing that trust will take a lot of time since we have so many hurdles that we will have to go through.

I love him. A lot. He is an extension of me now. And I am so proud of him for all the things that he’s accomplished. Sometimes, I cannot shake the feeling that I don’t deserve him although so many have reminded me time and time again that I need to remember that it’s actually the opposite. Maybe it’s my deep set insecurities that is causing all these reservations but I’m just not comfortable making my presence known on his social media because I’m not sure whether people know about me outside of our friendship. I cannot ask and I cannot prod because it’s not my right and because I should be thankful that we are moving as fast as we are without adding more pressure to the situation.

Therefore, this will be the longest 24 hours I will have to endure so that I will have an inkling of what is happening with the other girls. And next weekend will be another Veitnam since it’s Valentine’s Day and I have no idea what to do about it. Everything boils down to today’s reaction (and whether there are photos tomorrow morning).

I believe that God will Protect me and I believe that no matter what happens, it will be for the best. I need to learn to let go and let God take care of everything.

So I will.

Because I am tired and sleepy.

 

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