Does One Big Mistake Negate The Whole Thing?

Relationships are supposed to be about learning and discovering not only the person you’re with but also yourself. Usually, this means that you’re forced to deal with things about you and about the other person that are somewhat unpleasant. Sometimes, you, or that person, can disappoint you so much that the other person is left questioning whether this is the last straw.

Recently, he made a selfish decision for himself without considering how I would react. And I immediately went on the defense and wondered if we’ll have a future if he keeps on doing this. I didn’t immediately jump and ask him for an ultimatum this time around, like I always do. It’s bad, that habit of mine, and I knew that it has to stop.

That’s the issue that I’m struggling with.

I have a tendency to immediately negate the whole relationship when a guy does something wrong. Instead of taking the time to ask him why he decided to do something, or to explain to him how his actions make me feel, I’ll immediately switch into attack mode and leave. Although talking to my girlfriends will help validate the situation after that, deep down, I’ve begun to realize that my behaviour is not creating a safe environment for him to make mistakes and for us to discuss about them without me pulling the, “Go directly to jail, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200,” card. Heaven knows, I’ve made mistakes and he’s forgiven me without even raising and eyebrow.

Perhaps it’s my inherent need to always be perfect. Or maybe this relationship has had so many doubters that I’m desperate to prove that this relationship is either perfect or I’m out before the casualties come rolling in. Whatever the psychoanalytical reason may be, my mindset is going to ultimately destroy whatever chance of happiness that I may have.

So yesterday, I told him that what he’ll miss out on if he decides to go on with his plans and left it at that. He didn’t say anything to it, which usually means he’s still thinking about it. The beauty of our relationship is that we don’t necessarily talk everyday and because of this situation, I need a few more days away from him. And I can’t deny that I’m scared about how he’ll react to me after this but at least I’m proud of myself that I didn’t run away immediately this time.

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Scrutiny

In 2013, if you had told me that my dating life would go this way, I would have laughed at you and said that you were just picking out a page from my Diary of a Girl Who Loves Romance Novels.

The last time we saw each other was when he had to go back to his home country. That was at the tail end of 2013. Fast forward to September 2016, with break ups and fights and getting back together-s in between, we finally saw each other again.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because of my fear that he’ll accidentally find this blog for some weird cosmic reason but what I can share was that we had a wonderful time together, an amazing dinner and an assurance that the chemistry that we shared when he was here has not gone away.

If you’ve watched Before Sunset, then that is pretty much a close resemblance to what happened that night.

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It was extremely awkward at first. Extremely. So awkward that all I got was a handshake, to which my spontaneous response to that was, “Seriously?,” before he grabbed me into a big hug. I think what broke my heart a little was that when I started pulling away, he just kept on holding me for a split second longer.

Eventually, we started talking and it never stopped. We just went from one topic to the next and the next thing I knew, it was late. He dropped me off, we hugged again, I went in the house and realized that we didn’t even take a photo with each other during the dinner.

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It was difficult for me. Mostly because I don’t know if I’ll get to see him again and whether this was a goodbye for us. It’s easy to be a hopeless romantic and say that love will win. But the thing is, we’re never really sure, are we? We can wait for someone but it doesn’t mean that you’ll end up together eventually.

And as all these confusing thoughts play around in my mind, my life is suddenly under a lot of scrutiny due to the photo that was taken of us before the dinner. Suddenly, I find myself having to respond and react to random people who are quite inquisitive about us. It’s probably due to the fact that prior to this, not a lot of people knew that we were in contact. I’ve made sure that I kept it as quiet as possible especially due to the fact that everyone seems to have an opinion of what should happen.

I wish I could say that the comments have all been positive and supportive. Of course they weren’t. Some were, but most tend to lean towards the, “It’s a waste of time,” and, “You’re not giving local guys a chance,” variety. Of course, as much as I would like to say that I was able to block these comments out, some did seep in through my subconscious. I had to take a week or so off from him to reassess the situation again, to regain my bearings and to ask myself what I’d like to do for my own life.

We’re good, him and I. For now anyways. And that is all that matters. This distance is hard. But I think we’re beginning to realize that what’s harder is letting go of someone that just gets you. Despite the fact that there are so many people out there who are against it.