Relationships are supposed to be about learning and discovering not only the person you’re with but also yourself. Usually, this means that you’re forced to deal with things about you and about the other person that are somewhat unpleasant. Sometimes, you, or that person, can disappoint you so much that the other person is left questioning whether this is the last straw.
Recently, he made a selfish decision for himself without considering how I would react. And I immediately went on the defense and wondered if we’ll have a future if he keeps on doing this. I didn’t immediately jump and ask him for an ultimatum this time around, like I always do. It’s bad, that habit of mine, and I knew that it has to stop.
That’s the issue that I’m struggling with.
I have a tendency to immediately negate the whole relationship when a guy does something wrong. Instead of taking the time to ask him why he decided to do something, or to explain to him how his actions make me feel, I’ll immediately switch into attack mode and leave. Although talking to my girlfriends will help validate the situation after that, deep down, I’ve begun to realize that my behaviour is not creating a safe environment for him to make mistakes and for us to discuss about them without me pulling the, “Go directly to jail, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200,” card. Heaven knows, I’ve made mistakes and he’s forgiven me without even raising and eyebrow.
Perhaps it’s my inherent need to always be perfect. Or maybe this relationship has had so many doubters that I’m desperate to prove that this relationship is either perfect or I’m out before the casualties come rolling in. Whatever the psychoanalytical reason may be, my mindset is going to ultimately destroy whatever chance of happiness that I may have.
So yesterday, I told him that what he’ll miss out on if he decides to go on with his plans and left it at that. He didn’t say anything to it, which usually means he’s still thinking about it. The beauty of our relationship is that we don’t necessarily talk everyday and because of this situation, I need a few more days away from him. And I can’t deny that I’m scared about how he’ll react to me after this but at least I’m proud of myself that I didn’t run away immediately this time.