Songs (noun) – I have a Moving On playlist on Spotify that I made after we broke up. I’ve started skipping all the sad songs everytime I listen to it now.
Therapy (noun): Why are online therapy consultations so expensive? I’m already paying the price of loving you with my heart. Why do I still need to pay more money to get over you?
Christmas (noun) : I can’t wish you Merry Christmas today. You uploaded a photo of you and your new girlfriend yesterday, slightly over a week after we broke up. Clearly, you don’t need my well wishes for a Merry Christmas. In fact, quite honestly, there’s nothing merry about me right now.
Broken (adjective): Anyone who has gone through a heartbreak usually says that they were absolutely broken when it happened. It’s almost like a club for the broken hearted. If it’s like a club, why do we always feel incredibly lonely when it happens?
Wake (verb): I woke up today forgetting that you are no longer a part of my life. For a few seconds, I was happy.
Coffee (noun): I used to drink 3 cups of coffee in the morning. I’ve started drinking 1 cup a day and still I can’t go to sleep at night. I guess my addiction wasn’t the coffee. My addiction is you.
Food (noun): I can’t remember the last time I ate a proper meal. My stomach is telling me I am hungry but all I keep swollowing is my sadness.
So we’re back to that again, aren’t we?
Once again, this is a break up blog.
Once again, I will probably be blogging more since there are so many emotions that I need to let go of for me to process what is going on.
This time, I promise not to hold back, mostly because I want to take the path of accepting and coming to terms with what is going on head first. I do not want to analyze too much anymore but rather learn to accept what is happening.
Understanding is one thing. Accepting is the verb that takes a longer time for it to set in.
Therefore, my posts will be raw and full of frantic emotions but I don’t care because this needs to happen for me. And if somehow this helps someone along the way, then even better.
He dumped me.
He dumped me because he went on a holiday and he met someone while he was there. And he dumped me immediately. Within weeks, his social media was suddenly taken over with photos of him and the new girlfriend. And within weeks, I went from being number one in his life, the first thing he thought about the moment he woke up and the last thing he thought about before he went to bed, to absolutely nothing.
Nothing about us was salvageable. Nothing about us was worth fighting for.
He was not apologetic. He was not sad.
Truth was, he was never really ready to commit and blamed the distance for that. I told him that then if that is the case, when or if one of us meets someone else, I will end things with him because I did not want to have an emotional bond with another woman’s man. Because we have fought and gotten back together so many times, I suppose it was my fault for allowing it to linger in the air that I will always come back.
A few weeks before he left for his holiday, he told me that he was beginning to make plans to bridge the distance. I was excited. I told him to have fun because he deserved it and that we’ll talk when he comes back for Christmas.
I even wanted to surprise him with a new New Year’s tradition.
He was cold towards me during the trip. He didn’t want to talk to me, not really. Then suddenly, one day, I logged into Facebook and there it was. Photos of them together.
I told him goodbye. I didn’t want to ask whether she was a fling or if he was in love because it didn’t matter. What mattered was what I could see. He gave a flimsy reply and said that he respected that I was leaving him. I told him everything that I’ve been wanting to say to him without expecting a reply.
Of course, there was no reply.
In the meantime, the photos started flooding Facebook and with each new upload, I felt like I wanted to die.
I have to accept that he has moved on to a new love. I have to accept that she clearly makes him happier than what my 2 years with him can ever make him feel. I have to accept that I was dumped by my long distance boyfriend because he fell in love with someone else.
I don’t want to go back to him. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t want to even think of the possibility of him coming back because if I do, I will forever live in hope and that is the worst thing for me right now. I need to accept that there will come a day when I will even forget he exists in my life. There will come a day when I will be able to just brush off my memory of him because I will be so happy with the new memories that I am making with the man I am supposed to be with.
He is no longer a chapter in my life. That chapter has ended.
My mind knows and accepts that. Somehow, my heart needs more time to catch up.