I Can’t Be Friends With You

The irritating thing is, I am usually quite good with staying friends with my exs.

Except for one but that is because I messed up the breakup royally and I don’t think either of us can ever be cordial ever again. (I tried adding him on FB a few months ago but he didn’t respond so I guess someone still hasn’t gotten over it after, ah, 8 years)

But with all that’s happening, I don’t think it can ever be a possibility anymore.

And by the way the girl is setting it up, it looks like you guys are getting engaged soon so I’m not even going to touch that with a 10-foot-pole.

It hurts to see someone living the life that you wanted. But it makes no sense to fight it anymore. I wanted that chance to bond with your family but I guess I’ll never get it.

And to finally realize that you have never actually made space for me to be in your life permanently is killing me too.

I can’t even begin to think that you may still care for me because if you did, you would actually do and say things to make sure that I don’t leave before all this went to hell.

And now that everything has gone to hell, I can’t find the energy or strength to care anymore. I do miss you sometimes, and it hurts sometimes, but I cannot care anymore because I’m so tired of this mess. I am tired of taking care of you and I am tired of being able to anticipate what you want and giving it to you.

I have to say goodbye to you because if I don’t, I will lose my mind.

So no, we can’t be friends.

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Make Up Your Damn MIND.

I don’t understand you.

You said you want us to be in touch. In fact, you went out of your way to make sure that I know just how much you want us to work this out. I went along with it when you already knew full well that I don’t usually compromise.

You were annoyed that I wanted to change the tone of the friendship to something less friendly. I caved and slowly and gingerly returned to my normal self after every successful attempt that you did to fix things.

You said that we can only be friends. That’s what I’m trying to be with you.

I considered that maybe you’re not comfortable with me being more affectionate now than ever before. What did you expect, asshole? I laid out all that my heart felt towards you and there’s literally nothing left for me to hide with you. If you had no problems being upfront with me about other things, why can’t you be upfront with me if you’re uncomfortable with this?

I also considered that maybe you don’t know where I’m at in my dating life but I pushed that aside because I think you’d have the balls to actually ask me.

And today, when I called you out about how non-cheerful you’ve been lately, you just pish-poshed it as me imagining things. Bull shit. Bulllllllll shit.

What the fuck do you want from me? Seriously? It doesn’t make sense how you’re working so hard to keep this friendship going and yet you’re pissed as hell about something.

I will strangle you if you claim that I’m trying to get you back. You have no idea just how much you destroyed me this year. What makes you think I’m just going to let myself subject to all that trauma and uncertainty again?

I don’t know what the hell it is that you want from me.

Your ex-girlfriend (hah) wants you back and she’s not shy about it. As much as it is killing me to accept that you may just run back to her, I have to, well, accept it. And since you’re so bloody confident that you can handle a friendship and a relationship long distance like this, let’s see you try.

I may get hurt again, we may fight again. Whatever it is, I just want you to be honest and up front with me about it instead of running and dodging. If you want a friendship, baby, honesty is key. And I need to woman up and accept that you will have girlfriends in the future. And you need to fucking be a man and tell me up front that you think it’s a bad idea for us to keep in touch.

This time around, it’s going to be you who decides on what you want because I’m not going to decide anymore, hun.