Opinions Are Not Facts

One of the lessons I learnt the second time around was the importance of not sharing too much about your personal life with your friends. Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? If you can’t trust your own friends and their opinions, then who can you trust? They are the ones that know you best and they will be the ones who will be able to tell you what is right for you, uh, right?

Well, not necessarily.

Each human being is different. It is what makes being a part of the human race special. Although a person could have a majority of similarities, no two people are alike, no matter how long their friendship or relationship is with each other. Although a person may be the best point of reference for the longest time, sometimes, especially when it comes to relationships, advice from friends may either be the best or worst type of blessing. Or meddling. In some cases. When people can’t seem to stick their noses out of your business.

The reason why I had to express this is mostly due to the fact that I was bombarded with a slew of questions last week about my situation. Granted, when it is long distance with two people of different faiths, it invites a lot of curious questions. I honestly don’t mind questions. But what I do mind are comments that begin with, “He should,” or “Why isn’t he?”. Especially when my answer to those questions and comments will begin to sound like justifications.

The thing is, no one has the right to question the nature of your relationship when the parties involved have nothing to complain about. Every couple has their own way of handling their own relationship. Maybe some couples like to talk a lot and are extremely affectionate. Maybe some couples like to talk less and are somewhat less affectionate. What may work for one couple might not necessarily work for another. It is not what the public perceives as normal but whether the two individuals are having their needs met by each other.

I’m still trying to figure out the best way to handle the questions that I am not comfortable with. Personally, I understand when people feel that they need to know especially when on paper, it just seems like it should not and cannot work. However, when the innocent questions begin to turn accusatory, it is no surprise that most people will choose to simply not talk about their relationships instead.

So trust your gut. That feeling you have in your heart and in your belly that might go against what everyone says? Learn to trust that feeling and hold on to your convictions. Pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell you because once you do, you will learn to be at peace with your decisions and actions and you will realize that you really do not have anyone to answer to except yourself.

Karma and Accountability

Isn’t it funny how you are sometimes able to learn more about yourself when you are at your busiest?

The last few months have been somewhat like a tornado of sorts. Professionally especially and sometimes emotionally. My patience, loyalty, empathy and confidence were put to the test as I learnt to navigate my way through the choppy waters of private higher tertiary college politics.

Things have tapered off slightly but we can feel another tsunami hitting us soon.

Through the whole process, I realized that it is true what they say: The true measure of a person is not what happens to her but how she reacts towards it. It’s so easy to simply react emotionally towards all the problems that you face but that is not the matured way to do it.

What do you do when someone accuses you of being incompetent and useless publicly when in reality you know that it’s just malicious slander? Do you stand up and fight immediately or do you sit down for a while and let your reputation do the talking for you?

It was during this time that I learnt that you must always make every effort count. Every contribution that you have made towards your company and colleagues should come from the heart. Help people whenever you can. Reach out to them if you know you can make things easier for them. Be fair. Learn to be honest.

It is who you are that makes a difference. It is how you respond to situations and people that determines whether you are an asset or a liability. When you reach out to people for the sake of helping out without thinking about the gains that you will get, sometimes we will find that it will make them trust you even more.

You’ll be surprised to see who will reach out to stick up for you when you need them the most.

Sometimes, you wouldn’t even have to ask for help and they’ll be there.

Believing That You Are Enough

No amount of Mariah Carey Hero-Can’t Take That Away-Make It Happen replays will be enough when you are stuck with low confidence.

Growing up, I suffered from horrible low self-confidence. It has been a painfully slow journey to help repair years of verbal trauma I received from kids in school. As a grown up, and on certain days, I’ve come to realize that the words that they used to taunt me with were reflections of their own insecurities, not mine. But because they were said to my face too often, they became my own insecurities and it took some really special individuals and an extremely strong mom to help turn my thoughts around, most of the time.

You can’t truly escape insecurities. They will always be there. Sometimes, although you really don’t want them to, they rule your thoughts and emotions. How does a person change that around, then? How do you let tell the difference between your insecurities and your limitations?

There are a lot of psychiatrists who will be able to help people out. I’m not one of them. But what I do have is experience. Although I’m still trying to deal with a lot of things that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for, there are some life lessons that I’ve learnt which have helped shaped who I am today.

First, I’ve discovered that being to believe that you are good enough, you need to listen to that voice inside of you that wants to achieve those goals. If that voice says that you want it, then you need to work on making sure that you can get it. The insecurities that will inevitably come will drown out your determination and that is when you need to take a step back and realize that your insecurities shouldn’t have power over you. How would they know? You haven’t even tried yet. And so what if you failed? The thing is, you.have.not.tried.yet. And until you do, you will never know.

Secondly, if there is someone out there who seems to have negative vibes whenever they are around you, you need to understand that it says more about them than it does about you. Negative people are trying to deflect their own insecurities by bringing you down. It’s only when they see you faltering that they are able to boost their confidence in themselves. People who feed off other people’s insecurities are hollow inside because they use other human beings to validate themselves. Perhaps they will find something that will make them happy and feel validated one day. But until then, measuring your worth based on how they see you will only turn you into a smaller version of yourself and make you blind towards your full potential.

You are lucky to be who you are. Sometimes we forget that we have a lot of blessings in our lives because we are so focused on the things that we want. Sometimes, when a person rejects us, we feel like we’re the lowest of human beings and that they are right up there close to the best of them. We want their acknowledgement, we want their acceptance, we want their attention. The problem is, when we fight to make them notice us, we don’t realize that it will only be considered as desperate. We may think it doesn’t look desperate but who are we kidding, really? And this is something that I’ve had to struggle a lot with lately. If they were not able to see your worth while you were with them and when things were good, what makes us think they’ll be able to see your worth now that you’re apart and things are relatively bad? No amount of passive aggressive coaxing will be enough. And if you’re trying to fix a relationship, or trying to get over one, no contact only works when it’s really no contact. Not no contact but your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter is suddenly blowing up with things that you never did when you were with that person. Someone told me that they classiest way to deal with rejection is to just move away and carry on with your life like the person’s absence is insignificant. Maybe it’ll bring the person back. Maybe the person will just walk away. But what’s the point in putting in hard work to make someone notice you when around you, you have so many other people who already love you and can’t imagine not having you in their lives? You didn’t have to work hard to get their attention, did you? And you’re happy with them, aren’t you? You are responsible for your worth. Don’t decrease its value just because of one person.

It’s not easy to believe that you are truly enough. I know that I have days where I feel like I am the worst excuse of a human being when things just won’t right. But I’ve also come to realize that no matter how ‘great’ another person is, that should not devalue my greatness as well. Sometimes, we need to learn to believe in ourselves, especially since other people seem to.

Yesteryda

Aggressive Optimism

I was on (of all the websites a 31-year-old could visit) Tumblr and came across this post:

“I am a positive person but I get really tired of aggressive optimism. If someone’s sad, let them be sad. All emotions have purpose. Sadness isn’t destructive if not prolonged. Sadness isn’t unproductive, as it offers awareness. Telling someone to “cheer up” or “be happy” is so ineffective and patronizing. The last thing a sad person needs is for someone to judge their feelings as pointless and unappealing. Welcome sadness, just don’t let it consume you.”

It’s nice to finally have this put in words. There is so much truth behind this. And it’s worse if the person keeps telling you that you need to get over it or that you should be happier faster.

It was something I had begun to notice recently while I was going through my process of healing.

People that I thought were my closest friends would tell me to stop talking about him whenever I needed to vent. They would tell me that they wanted to change to a happier topic whenever I started sounding upset. They would say that he wasn’t worth it before I was even able to talk about him. I began to feel like my feelings were not validated and that I was not accepted as a person as long as I stayed sad. It was as if I would only be considered ‘fun to be around’ if I reverted back to the old me – the one I was before I met him.

If a person is sad, let the person BE sad, asking the person to be happier faster is selfish because the truth of the matter is, you don’t want to deal with the sad person because you’re unsure of what to do.

Boxes

I mean he really broke my heart. I’m ok now but back then? I was a mess. But I realized that although my love for him will never die, it will slowly shrink to fit a small box. And that box will always live inside my heart. And the next one will take over that big space I call my heart but once in a while, I’ll revisit that box and it’ll hurt because the hinges will be rusty when I open it. Even though I know it’ll hurt, I’ll still try to open that box because it’s going to live in my heart and I might as well learn to live with the pain than pretend that it’s not a part of me.

The trick is, I’ll fall in love again but I need to remember that he’s going to have his boxes too.

Something I wrote to my friend about because I always feel very comfortable with expressing my emotions to her 🙂