Facebook, How I Loathe Thee

Taking a break from the Alphabets of a Heartbreak posts because what I have to write about requires more than just a couple of sentences.

This week has been a pretty solid week for me. The emotional ups and downs were less, the Facebook stalking was less, and there were times when he wasn’t even on my mind (as much as he usually is, which is all the time).

Instead of celebrating, I’m actually scared. I feel guilty and paranoid.

“What if this is the calm before the storm? What if it will be worse next week?”

“Is this high going to come with an unbearable low soon?”

Irrational, isn’t it? When you’re supposed to be celebrating the fact that you’re not an emotional basket case, here I am, suspicious that I am actually calm.

Is this normal?

Maybe it’s because his birthday is next week and Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m expecting incredibly mushy posts on his Facebook wall. I mean, let’s be real, of course I’m going to go on Facebook to see despite what all those self-help How to Get Over a Broken Heart articles tell you. I usually practice self restraint but let’s not aim too high okay?

A lot of friends have expressed concerns about me still being friends with him on Facebook. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me first. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me on everything so that I can finally see him do SOMETHING.

As childish as this sounds, I don’t want to lose. If I unfriend him first, it means that I’ve lost. And I’ve lost so much of my dignity already that I cannot lose this too.

 

People say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your ex’s social media after a break-up. The people who say that don’t know anything about the psychological warfare that occurs through passive aggressive posts in the first few months after a break-up. Every post will be analyzed. Every post is potentially a symbol for something.

I’ve blocked him from seeing my updates on Facebook although we’re friends on it. Yesterday, I shared a public post about the maritime industry. Actual conversation with my Breakup Buddy:

Me: By the way, I posted a maritime based post on fb and had to make it public

BB: Aww someone would be surprised to see that lol

Me: Hahaha and try to figure out WHAT THOSE DAMN CONTAINER SHIPS MEAN?!?!? (Nothing cause it’s my damn job) 

BB: Read into that, bitch 

I love my Breakup Buddy.

Alphabets of a Heartbreak – J

John Mayer (Noun) -At least John Mayer was being honest about how difficult breakups are in this song.

Moving on and getting over
Are not the same, it seems to me
Cause you’ve been gone, I’m growing older
But I still can’t seem to get you off my mind
And I do believe I feel you all the time

Moving on and getting over
Are not the friends they used to be
It’s been so long since I got to hold you
But I still can’t seem to get you off my mind
And I do believe I feel you all the time, all the time

Tell me I can have the fact you’ve loved me to hold onto
Tell me I can keep the door cracked open, to let light through
For all my running, I can understand
I’m one text away from being back again
But I’m moving on and I’m getting over
I’m-a getting over, I’m getting over
I got to get over

Moving on and getting over
It’s been so long; it just goes to show you
That I still can’t seem to get you off my mind (get you off my mind)
And I sure would like to see you one more time

It’s taken me so long just to say “so long”
Maybe it’s all wrong, but I’m moving on
I’m gonna get a new girl
It’s something I can do, girl
To try to get me through, girl
Cause I’m moving on
I’m moving on
And I’m moving on
I’m moving on
And I’m moving on
Consider me as good as gone
Cause I’m moving on
I’m moving on
Moving on, baby
Moving on
Moving on

Alpahabets of a Heartbreak – D

Deserve (verb) – Is you posting on Facebook something that only the two of us would share together really your way of trying to get me to forgive you? Do you seriously think that a YouTube documentary is what I deserve? Maybe in the past when we fought about something stupid, not because you cheated and you are now with someone else.

Alphabets of a Heartbreak – C

Christmas (noun) : I can’t wish you Merry Christmas today. You uploaded a photo of you and your new girlfriend yesterday, slightly over a week after we broke up. Clearly, you don’t need my well wishes for a Merry Christmas. In fact, quite honestly, there’s nothing merry about me right now.

Aggressive Optimism

I was on (of all the websites a 31-year-old could visit) Tumblr and came across this post:

“I am a positive person but I get really tired of aggressive optimism. If someone’s sad, let them be sad. All emotions have purpose. Sadness isn’t destructive if not prolonged. Sadness isn’t unproductive, as it offers awareness. Telling someone to “cheer up” or “be happy” is so ineffective and patronizing. The last thing a sad person needs is for someone to judge their feelings as pointless and unappealing. Welcome sadness, just don’t let it consume you.”

It’s nice to finally have this put in words. There is so much truth behind this. And it’s worse if the person keeps telling you that you need to get over it or that you should be happier faster.

It was something I had begun to notice recently while I was going through my process of healing.

People that I thought were my closest friends would tell me to stop talking about him whenever I needed to vent. They would tell me that they wanted to change to a happier topic whenever I started sounding upset. They would say that he wasn’t worth it before I was even able to talk about him. I began to feel like my feelings were not validated and that I was not accepted as a person as long as I stayed sad. It was as if I would only be considered ‘fun to be around’ if I reverted back to the old me – the one I was before I met him.

If a person is sad, let the person BE sad, asking the person to be happier faster is selfish because the truth of the matter is, you don’t want to deal with the sad person because you’re unsure of what to do.