Signs (noun): I’m the type who believes in signs and I’ve learnt how to know when something is a sign. I think I saw one about us today. I don’t know if it’s a sign that you’re coming back or that I’m going to get my heart broken all over again.
Taking a break from the Alphabets of a Heartbreak posts because what I have to write about requires more than just a couple of sentences.
This week has been a pretty solid week for me. The emotional ups and downs were less, the Facebook stalking was less, and there were times when he wasn’t even on my mind (as much as he usually is, which is all the time).
Instead of celebrating, I’m actually scared. I feel guilty and paranoid.
“What if this is the calm before the storm? What if it will be worse next week?”
“Is this high going to come with an unbearable low soon?”
Irrational, isn’t it? When you’re supposed to be celebrating the fact that you’re not an emotional basket case, here I am, suspicious that I am actually calm.
Is this normal?
Maybe it’s because his birthday is next week and Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m expecting incredibly mushy posts on his Facebook wall. I mean, let’s be real, of course I’m going to go on Facebook to see despite what all those self-help How to Get Over a Broken Heart articles tell you. I usually practice self restraint but let’s not aim too high okay?
A lot of friends have expressed concerns about me still being friends with him on Facebook. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me first. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me on everything so that I can finally see him do SOMETHING.
As childish as this sounds, I don’t want to lose. If I unfriend him first, it means that I’ve lost. And I’ve lost so much of my dignity already that I cannot lose this too.
People say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your ex’s social media after a break-up. The people who say that don’t know anything about the psychological warfare that occurs through passive aggressive posts in the first few months after a break-up. Every post will be analyzed. Every post is potentially a symbol for something.
I’ve blocked him from seeing my updates on Facebook although we’re friends on it. Yesterday, I shared a public post about the maritime industry. Actual conversation with my Breakup Buddy:
Me: By the way, I posted a maritime based post on fb and had to make it public
BB: Aww someone would be surprised to see that lol
Me: Hahaha and try to figure out WHAT THOSE DAMN CONTAINER SHIPS MEAN?!?!? (Nothing cause it’s my damn job)
BB: Read into that, bitch
I love my Breakup Buddy.
Deserve (verb) – Is you posting on Facebook something that only the two of us would share together really your way of trying to get me to forgive you? Do you seriously think that a YouTube documentary is what I deserve? Maybe in the past when we fought about something stupid, not because you cheated and you are now with someone else.
Therapy (noun): Why are online therapy consultations so expensive? I’m already paying the price of loving you with my heart. Why do I still need to pay more money to get over you?
My biggest fear is that he’ll discover this blog.
At the same time, I’m all, “WHAT ARE YOU WATING FOR, HUH? I’M RIGHT HERE!”
Some form of closure was reached last night. Not the way I’d have liked it to go but at least it’s now done and over with. He tried to hurt my feelings by being mean. Threw all kinds of accusations and kept insisting that I should just go away and stop being so persistent.
I didn’t know that texting you ONCE in a whole month was considered persistent.
Like, really, dude? REALLY?
See, this is why going ghost is the stupidest and the most cowardly way to leave a relationship. And knowing him, not only did he go ghost but I found out that he’s been stalking my Facebook page too. OBVIOUSLY he thought I was hounding him. All my posts that are not related to him, all the songs that are not related to him and all the status updates that are not related to him must be about him, right? Like, of course I’ve been thinking of him night and day, with every single electronic footprint that I leave behind signifying a breadcrumb that is supposed to lead him back to me.
Don’t be cowards. Deal with a breakup with a closure conversation. If you take the time to actually explain what is going on, things could have been much different. Emotions would be less heightened. Life is too short to be angry, especially if it’s to someone you once had deep feelings for.
When one person is being mean to another person, the only way to handle the situation is to probably be nice, tactful, firm and polite. That was what my mama taught me. I tried. At four in the freaking a.m.. Have you tried composing a calm closure text at 4 a.m. when the other person has just accused you of things that you didn’t even do? It’s HARD.
And as much as you’d like to retaliate by being mean as well, taking the higher road will always make you feel better the next day. Being mean, won’t.
I only had 2 hours of sleep because it took me an hour to compose a message, an hour before he replied, and another hour for me to process. It was a brutal night and I was like a slurring drunk at work while I filled my friend in on what happened. No, I wasn’t drunk. Unless you can get high on coffee. Because I sure was.
I’m angry at him for being so mean. It’s one thing to hear mean things. It’s another thing to read them.
But I’m also glad and thankful for a few things:
- That I was not emotional and managed to carry myself with dignity (I checked with friends and they said that I handled it like a cool chick so yay!)
- That I finally got my closure
- That I am not blaming myself for anything and that I am aware of my worth and my self-respect and value
Taking the high road is seriously hard but one of us has to do it. I might as well take it with my fabulous life that I know he’s quite jealous of. Eh, it’s the best part about being the older woman who dated a younger man. *flips hair*