Taking a break from the Alphabets of a Heartbreak posts because what I have to write about requires more than just a couple of sentences.
This week has been a pretty solid week for me. The emotional ups and downs were less, the Facebook stalking was less, and there were times when he wasn’t even on my mind (as much as he usually is, which is all the time).
Instead of celebrating, I’m actually scared. I feel guilty and paranoid.
“What if this is the calm before the storm? What if it will be worse next week?”
“Is this high going to come with an unbearable low soon?”
Irrational, isn’t it? When you’re supposed to be celebrating the fact that you’re not an emotional basket case, here I am, suspicious that I am actually calm.
Is this normal?
Maybe it’s because his birthday is next week and Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m expecting incredibly mushy posts on his Facebook wall. I mean, let’s be real, of course I’m going to go on Facebook to see despite what all those self-help How to Get Over a Broken Heart articles tell you. I usually practice self restraint but let’s not aim too high okay?
A lot of friends have expressed concerns about me still being friends with him on Facebook. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me first. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me on everything so that I can finally see him do SOMETHING.
As childish as this sounds, I don’t want to lose. If I unfriend him first, it means that I’ve lost. And I’ve lost so much of my dignity already that I cannot lose this too.
People say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your ex’s social media after a break-up. The people who say that don’t know anything about the psychological warfare that occurs through passive aggressive posts in the first few months after a break-up. Every post will be analyzed. Every post is potentially a symbol for something.
I’ve blocked him from seeing my updates on Facebook although we’re friends on it. Yesterday, I shared a public post about the maritime industry. Actual conversation with my Breakup Buddy:
Me: By the way, I posted a maritime based post on fb and had to make it public
BB: Aww someone would be surprised to see that lol
Me: Hahaha and try to figure out WHAT THOSE DAMN CONTAINER SHIPS MEAN?!?!? (Nothing cause it’s my damn job)
BB: Read into that, bitch
I love my Breakup Buddy.