Angry (adjective) – I am so angry with myself. Why am I still in love with you? I don’t want to be in love with you. I am still in love with you.
Songs (noun) – I have a Moving On playlist on Spotify that I made after we broke up. I’ve started skipping all the sad songs everytime I listen to it now.
No amount of Mariah Carey Hero-Can’t Take That Away-Make It Happen replays will be enough when you are stuck with low confidence.
Growing up, I suffered from horrible low self-confidence. It has been a painfully slow journey to help repair years of verbal trauma I received from kids in school. As a grown up, and on certain days, I’ve come to realize that the words that they used to taunt me with were reflections of their own insecurities, not mine. But because they were said to my face too often, they became my own insecurities and it took some really special individuals and an extremely strong mom to help turn my thoughts around, most of the time.
You can’t truly escape insecurities. They will always be there. Sometimes, although you really don’t want them to, they rule your thoughts and emotions. How does a person change that around, then? How do you let tell the difference between your insecurities and your limitations?
There are a lot of psychiatrists who will be able to help people out. I’m not one of them. But what I do have is experience. Although I’m still trying to deal with a lot of things that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for, there are some life lessons that I’ve learnt which have helped shaped who I am today.
First, I’ve discovered that being to believe that you are good enough, you need to listen to that voice inside of you that wants to achieve those goals. If that voice says that you want it, then you need to work on making sure that you can get it. The insecurities that will inevitably come will drown out your determination and that is when you need to take a step back and realize that your insecurities shouldn’t have power over you. How would they know? You haven’t even tried yet. And so what if you failed? The thing is, you.have.not.tried.yet. And until you do, you will never know.
Secondly, if there is someone out there who seems to have negative vibes whenever they are around you, you need to understand that it says more about them than it does about you. Negative people are trying to deflect their own insecurities by bringing you down. It’s only when they see you faltering that they are able to boost their confidence in themselves. People who feed off other people’s insecurities are hollow inside because they use other human beings to validate themselves. Perhaps they will find something that will make them happy and feel validated one day. But until then, measuring your worth based on how they see you will only turn you into a smaller version of yourself and make you blind towards your full potential.
You are lucky to be who you are. Sometimes we forget that we have a lot of blessings in our lives because we are so focused on the things that we want. Sometimes, when a person rejects us, we feel like we’re the lowest of human beings and that they are right up there close to the best of them. We want their acknowledgement, we want their acceptance, we want their attention. The problem is, when we fight to make them notice us, we don’t realize that it will only be considered as desperate. We may think it doesn’t look desperate but who are we kidding, really? And this is something that I’ve had to struggle a lot with lately. If they were not able to see your worth while you were with them and when things were good, what makes us think they’ll be able to see your worth now that you’re apart and things are relatively bad? No amount of passive aggressive coaxing will be enough. And if you’re trying to fix a relationship, or trying to get over one, no contact only works when it’s really no contact. Not no contact but your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter is suddenly blowing up with things that you never did when you were with that person. Someone told me that they classiest way to deal with rejection is to just move away and carry on with your life like the person’s absence is insignificant. Maybe it’ll bring the person back. Maybe the person will just walk away. But what’s the point in putting in hard work to make someone notice you when around you, you have so many other people who already love you and can’t imagine not having you in their lives? You didn’t have to work hard to get their attention, did you? And you’re happy with them, aren’t you? You are responsible for your worth. Don’t decrease its value just because of one person.
It’s not easy to believe that you are truly enough. I know that I have days where I feel like I am the worst excuse of a human being when things just won’t right. But I’ve also come to realize that no matter how ‘great’ another person is, that should not devalue my greatness as well. Sometimes, we need to learn to believe in ourselves, especially since other people seem to.
And the award for Best Abandoned Blog goes to…this one!
Maybe the reason why I’ve been quiet is because I needed the last few months to just focus on something else other than the heart and emotions and feelings and all the other things related to that.
The time out allowed me to come to a few realizations:
- I’m taking a trip back to Europe to deal with this. The trip is going to serve as a reset. I’m going to go back there with a different mindset and to experience the continent as I should without expectations of meeting him. A friend is coming with me because she’s always had a dream of spending December in Europe. So that’s definitely something I’m looking forward to (and maybe something I’m going to blog about. #TravellingAsianProblems might be my new thing).
- I’m going to a One Direction concert in 2 weeks to accompany my sister. This is going to be painful.
- Quitting stalking him on Facebook is just impossible. At least I found out that he’s not doing as well as he expected since we split. It’s petty but I find this comforting.
- Sometimes, the people around you do more harm than good. And sometimes, the people that you thought cared about you would rather see you miserable than happy. The scary thing is you don’t realize this until it happens.
So I’m going to try this blogging thing again. It might work, it might not. But we’ll see. If there’s anything anyone wants me to write more of, please please let me know because sometimes I feel like I’m boring people’s heads off!