He Went For A Holiday, Fell in Love and then Dumped Me.

So we’re back to that again, aren’t we?

Once again, this is a break up blog.

Once again, I will probably be blogging more since there are so many emotions that I need to let go of for me to process what is going on.

This time, I promise not to hold back, mostly because I want to take the path of accepting and coming to terms with what is going on head first. I do not want to analyze too much anymore but rather learn to accept what is happening.

Accept.

Understanding is one thing. Accepting is the verb that takes a longer time for it to set in.

Therefore, my posts will be raw and full of frantic emotions but I don’t care because this needs to happen for me. And if somehow this helps someone along the way, then even better.

He dumped me.

He dumped me because he went on a holiday and he met someone while he was there. And he dumped me immediately. Within weeks, his social media was suddenly taken over with photos of him and the new girlfriend. And within weeks, I went from being number one in his life, the first thing he thought about the moment he woke up and the last thing he thought about before he went to bed, to absolutely nothing.

Nothing about us was salvageable. Nothing about us was worth fighting for.

He was not apologetic. He was not sad.

Truth was, he was never really ready to commit and blamed the distance for that. I told him that then if that is the case, when or if one of us meets someone else, I will end things with him because I did not want to have an emotional bond with another woman’s man. Because we have fought and gotten back together so many times, I suppose it was my fault for allowing it to linger in the air that I will always come back.

A few weeks before he left for his holiday, he told me that he was beginning to make plans to bridge the distance. I was excited. I told him to have fun because he deserved it and that we’ll talk when he comes back for Christmas.

I even wanted to surprise him with a new New Year’s tradition.

He was cold towards me during the trip. He didn’t want to talk to me, not really. Then suddenly, one day, I logged into Facebook and there it was. Photos of them together.

I told him goodbye. I didn’t want to ask whether she was a fling or if he was in love because it didn’t matter. What mattered was what I could see. He gave a flimsy reply and said that he respected that I was leaving him. I told him everything that I’ve been wanting to say to him without expecting a reply.

Of course, there was no reply.

In the meantime, the photos started flooding Facebook and with each new upload, I felt like I wanted to die.

I have to accept that he has moved on to a new love. I have to accept that she clearly makes him happier than what my 2 years with him can ever make him feel. I have to accept that I was dumped by my long distance boyfriend because he fell in love with someone else.

I don’t want to go back to him. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t want to even think of the possibility of him coming back because if I do, I will forever live in hope and that is the worst thing for me right now. I need to accept that there will come a day when I will even forget he exists in my life. There will come a day when I will be able to just brush off my memory of him because I will be so happy with the new memories that I am making with the man I am supposed to be with.

He is no longer a chapter in my life. That chapter has ended.

My mind knows and accepts that. Somehow, my heart needs more time to catch up.

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Does One Big Mistake Negate The Whole Thing?

Relationships are supposed to be about learning and discovering not only the person you’re with but also yourself. Usually, this means that you’re forced to deal with things about you and about the other person that are somewhat unpleasant. Sometimes, you, or that person, can disappoint you so much that the other person is left questioning whether this is the last straw.

Recently, he made a selfish decision for himself without considering how I would react. And I immediately went on the defense and wondered if we’ll have a future if he keeps on doing this. I didn’t immediately jump and ask him for an ultimatum this time around, like I always do. It’s bad, that habit of mine, and I knew that it has to stop.

That’s the issue that I’m struggling with.

I have a tendency to immediately negate the whole relationship when a guy does something wrong. Instead of taking the time to ask him why he decided to do something, or to explain to him how his actions make me feel, I’ll immediately switch into attack mode and leave. Although talking to my girlfriends will help validate the situation after that, deep down, I’ve begun to realize that my behaviour is not creating a safe environment for him to make mistakes and for us to discuss about them without me pulling the, “Go directly to jail, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200,” card. Heaven knows, I’ve made mistakes and he’s forgiven me without even raising and eyebrow.

Perhaps it’s my inherent need to always be perfect. Or maybe this relationship has had so many doubters that I’m desperate to prove that this relationship is either perfect or I’m out before the casualties come rolling in. Whatever the psychoanalytical reason may be, my mindset is going to ultimately destroy whatever chance of happiness that I may have.

So yesterday, I told him that what he’ll miss out on if he decides to go on with his plans and left it at that. He didn’t say anything to it, which usually means he’s still thinking about it. The beauty of our relationship is that we don’t necessarily talk everyday and because of this situation, I need a few more days away from him. And I can’t deny that I’m scared about how he’ll react to me after this but at least I’m proud of myself that I didn’t run away immediately this time.

Scrutiny

In 2013, if you had told me that my dating life would go this way, I would have laughed at you and said that you were just picking out a page from my Diary of a Girl Who Loves Romance Novels.

The last time we saw each other was when he had to go back to his home country. That was at the tail end of 2013. Fast forward to September 2016, with break ups and fights and getting back together-s in between, we finally saw each other again.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because of my fear that he’ll accidentally find this blog for some weird cosmic reason but what I can share was that we had a wonderful time together, an amazing dinner and an assurance that the chemistry that we shared when he was here has not gone away.

If you’ve watched Before Sunset, then that is pretty much a close resemblance to what happened that night.

03-before-sunset-w529-h352

It was extremely awkward at first. Extremely. So awkward that all I got was a handshake, to which my spontaneous response to that was, “Seriously?,” before he grabbed me into a big hug. I think what broke my heart a little was that when I started pulling away, he just kept on holding me for a split second longer.

Eventually, we started talking and it never stopped. We just went from one topic to the next and the next thing I knew, it was late. He dropped me off, we hugged again, I went in the house and realized that we didn’t even take a photo with each other during the dinner.

before-sunset-review

It was difficult for me. Mostly because I don’t know if I’ll get to see him again and whether this was a goodbye for us. It’s easy to be a hopeless romantic and say that love will win. But the thing is, we’re never really sure, are we? We can wait for someone but it doesn’t mean that you’ll end up together eventually.

And as all these confusing thoughts play around in my mind, my life is suddenly under a lot of scrutiny due to the photo that was taken of us before the dinner. Suddenly, I find myself having to respond and react to random people who are quite inquisitive about us. It’s probably due to the fact that prior to this, not a lot of people knew that we were in contact. I’ve made sure that I kept it as quiet as possible especially due to the fact that everyone seems to have an opinion of what should happen.

I wish I could say that the comments have all been positive and supportive. Of course they weren’t. Some were, but most tend to lean towards the, “It’s a waste of time,” and, “You’re not giving local guys a chance,” variety. Of course, as much as I would like to say that I was able to block these comments out, some did seep in through my subconscious. I had to take a week or so off from him to reassess the situation again, to regain my bearings and to ask myself what I’d like to do for my own life.

We’re good, him and I. For now anyways. And that is all that matters. This distance is hard. But I think we’re beginning to realize that what’s harder is letting go of someone that just gets you. Despite the fact that there are so many people out there who are against it.

My Superpower is Sleeping

A few nights ago, I was talking to my Someone (let’s just refer to him as my Someone from now on to make it easier and less gross, I hope?) when I accidentally fell asleep mid-way through the conversation.

Due to our timezone difference, we’ve had to opt for text messages and a lot of the conversations occur when I’m ready to turn in for bed. Yes, it does sound quite adorable when you think of the stereotypical girl-under-the-covers-texting stereotype like this one: tumblr_mo6w95oJZd1r3kkg6o1_500.gif

But what you’ll really get is:

And just waves and waves of intense guilt when you accidentally wake up at around 5 a.m. and realize that you’ve missed a bunch of his texts.

The worst is when you realize that he’d geared himself up for a nice long text session (otherwise known as Date Night) which left him feeling quite disappointed with the appearance of those double grey ticks.

We’ve done it before, where I’d gone to bed earlier and wake up later so that it’ll match his timezone but my blood pressure was going through the roof due to the lack of sleep and it was taking its toll on my health so we’ve had to let that go.

So I’m not sure. How do people do this? How do you juggle connections when your timezones are so far apart? Because if you really take into account not disturbing each other while they are sleeping or working, it doesn’t leave us with a lot of actual communication time, does it?

He’s been great at being patient with me and he allows me to disturb him while he’s at work. And I’m thankful that he’s always there when I need him, regardless of how busy he is at that moment. Knowing men, that’s as good as a guy saying he’s prioritizing you, right?

 

Opinions Are Not Facts

One of the lessons I learnt the second time around was the importance of not sharing too much about your personal life with your friends. Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? If you can’t trust your own friends and their opinions, then who can you trust? They are the ones that know you best and they will be the ones who will be able to tell you what is right for you, uh, right?

Well, not necessarily.

Each human being is different. It is what makes being a part of the human race special. Although a person could have a majority of similarities, no two people are alike, no matter how long their friendship or relationship is with each other. Although a person may be the best point of reference for the longest time, sometimes, especially when it comes to relationships, advice from friends may either be the best or worst type of blessing. Or meddling. In some cases. When people can’t seem to stick their noses out of your business.

The reason why I had to express this is mostly due to the fact that I was bombarded with a slew of questions last week about my situation. Granted, when it is long distance with two people of different faiths, it invites a lot of curious questions. I honestly don’t mind questions. But what I do mind are comments that begin with, “He should,” or “Why isn’t he?”. Especially when my answer to those questions and comments will begin to sound like justifications.

The thing is, no one has the right to question the nature of your relationship when the parties involved have nothing to complain about. Every couple has their own way of handling their own relationship. Maybe some couples like to talk a lot and are extremely affectionate. Maybe some couples like to talk less and are somewhat less affectionate. What may work for one couple might not necessarily work for another. It is not what the public perceives as normal but whether the two individuals are having their needs met by each other.

I’m still trying to figure out the best way to handle the questions that I am not comfortable with. Personally, I understand when people feel that they need to know especially when on paper, it just seems like it should not and cannot work. However, when the innocent questions begin to turn accusatory, it is no surprise that most people will choose to simply not talk about their relationships instead.

So trust your gut. That feeling you have in your heart and in your belly that might go against what everyone says? Learn to trust that feeling and hold on to your convictions. Pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell you because once you do, you will learn to be at peace with your decisions and actions and you will realize that you really do not have anyone to answer to except yourself.

20 December 2013

It was exactly a year ago that I last saw him.

It was also exactly a year ago that I had my arm around his waist and the last thing that I wanted to do was let him go.

Two days later, he was back in his home country and I was mentally calculating the time difference between his timezone and mine.

A year later, we’re not talking to each other. Saying hello to each other is an impossibility.

How did we come to this? How did we go from being inseparable to mere acquaintances?

Sometimes I wonder if he still misses me anymore or if I’ve been replaced. Does he even realize that it was a year ago that we said goodbye? Does he even realize that it was a year ago that it all really began?

I’ve been missing him a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s because the new Hobbit movie reminds me of how excited he was to watch it last year. Or how he had attempted to ask me out to watch it with him but because he was so indirect, I ended up telling him to watch it with someone else and he’d gotten really mad about it. I miss talking to him. I really do. I miss our conversations so much and I hate knowing that we’re not in each others’ lives anymore, that we’re not even friends.

I miss him.

It Took 5 Hours To Exchange 4 Text Messages

My biggest fear is that he’ll discover this blog.

At the same time, I’m all, “WHAT ARE YOU WATING FOR, HUH? I’M RIGHT HERE!”

Some form of closure was reached last night. Not the way I’d have liked it to go but at least it’s now done and over with. He tried to hurt my feelings by being mean. Threw all kinds of accusations and kept insisting that I should just go away and stop being so persistent.

Oi.

I didn’t know that texting you ONCE in a whole month was considered persistent.

Like, really, dude? REALLY?

See, this is why going ghost is the stupidest and the most cowardly way to leave a relationship. And knowing him, not only did he go ghost but I found out that he’s been stalking my Facebook page too. OBVIOUSLY he thought I was hounding him. All my posts that are not related to him, all the songs that are not related to him and all the status updates that are not related to him must be about him, right? Like, of course I’ve been thinking of him night and day, with every single electronic footprint that I leave behind signifying a breadcrumb that is supposed to lead him back to me.

Don’t be cowards. Deal with a breakup with a closure conversation. If you take the time to actually explain what is going on, things could have been much different. Emotions would be less heightened. Life is too short to be angry, especially if it’s to someone you once had deep feelings for.

When one person is being mean to another person, the only way to handle the situation is to probably be nice, tactful, firm and polite. That was what my mama taught me. I tried. At four in the freaking a.m.. Have you tried composing a calm closure text at 4 a.m. when the other person has just accused you of things that you didn’t even do? It’s HARD.

And as much as you’d like to retaliate by being mean as well, taking the higher road will always make you feel better the next day. Being mean, won’t.

I only had 2 hours of sleep because it took me an hour to compose a message, an hour before he replied, and another hour for me to process. It was a brutal night and I was like a slurring drunk at work while I filled my friend in on what happened. No, I wasn’t drunk. Unless you can get high on coffee. Because I sure was.

I’m angry at him for being so mean. It’s one thing to hear mean things. It’s another thing to read them.

But I’m also glad and thankful for a few things:

  1. That I was not emotional and managed to carry myself with dignity (I checked with friends and they said that I handled it like a cool chick so yay!)
  2. That I finally got my closure
  3. That I am not blaming myself for anything and that I am aware of my worth and my self-respect and value

Taking the high road is seriously hard but one of us has to do it. I might as well take it with my fabulous life that I know he’s quite jealous of. Eh, it’s the best part about being the older woman who dated a younger man. *flips hair*