Scrutiny

In 2013, if you had told me that my dating life would go this way, I would have laughed at you and said that you were just picking out a page from my Diary of a Girl Who Loves Romance Novels.

The last time we saw each other was when he had to go back to his home country. That was at the tail end of 2013. Fast forward to September 2016, with break ups and fights and getting back together-s in between, we finally saw each other again.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because of my fear that he’ll accidentally find this blog for some weird cosmic reason but what I can share was that we had a wonderful time together, an amazing dinner and an assurance that the chemistry that we shared when he was here has not gone away.

If you’ve watched Before Sunset, then that is pretty much a close resemblance to what happened that night.

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It was extremely awkward at first. Extremely. So awkward that all I got was a handshake, to which my spontaneous response to that was, “Seriously?,” before he grabbed me into a big hug. I think what broke my heart a little was that when I started pulling away, he just kept on holding me for a split second longer.

Eventually, we started talking and it never stopped. We just went from one topic to the next and the next thing I knew, it was late. He dropped me off, we hugged again, I went in the house and realized that we didn’t even take a photo with each other during the dinner.

before-sunset-review

It was difficult for me. Mostly because I don’t know if I’ll get to see him again and whether this was a goodbye for us. It’s easy to be a hopeless romantic and say that love will win. But the thing is, we’re never really sure, are we? We can wait for someone but it doesn’t mean that you’ll end up together eventually.

And as all these confusing thoughts play around in my mind, my life is suddenly under a lot of scrutiny due to the photo that was taken of us before the dinner. Suddenly, I find myself having to respond and react to random people who are quite inquisitive about us. It’s probably due to the fact that prior to this, not a lot of people knew that we were in contact. I’ve made sure that I kept it as quiet as possible especially due to the fact that everyone seems to have an opinion of what should happen.

I wish I could say that the comments have all been positive and supportive. Of course they weren’t. Some were, but most tend to lean towards the, “It’s a waste of time,” and, “You’re not giving local guys a chance,” variety. Of course, as much as I would like to say that I was able to block these comments out, some did seep in through my subconscious. I had to take a week or so off from him to reassess the situation again, to regain my bearings and to ask myself what I’d like to do for my own life.

We’re good, him and I. For now anyways. And that is all that matters. This distance is hard. But I think we’re beginning to realize that what’s harder is letting go of someone that just gets you. Despite the fact that there are so many people out there who are against it.

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My Superpower is Sleeping

A few nights ago, I was talking to my Someone (let’s just refer to him as my Someone from now on to make it easier and less gross, I hope?) when I accidentally fell asleep mid-way through the conversation.

Due to our timezone difference, we’ve had to opt for text messages and a lot of the conversations occur when I’m ready to turn in for bed. Yes, it does sound quite adorable when you think of the stereotypical girl-under-the-covers-texting stereotype like this one: tumblr_mo6w95oJZd1r3kkg6o1_500.gif

But what you’ll really get is:

And just waves and waves of intense guilt when you accidentally wake up at around 5 a.m. and realize that you’ve missed a bunch of his texts.

The worst is when you realize that he’d geared himself up for a nice long text session (otherwise known as Date Night) which left him feeling quite disappointed with the appearance of those double grey ticks.

We’ve done it before, where I’d gone to bed earlier and wake up later so that it’ll match his timezone but my blood pressure was going through the roof due to the lack of sleep and it was taking its toll on my health so we’ve had to let that go.

So I’m not sure. How do people do this? How do you juggle connections when your timezones are so far apart? Because if you really take into account not disturbing each other while they are sleeping or working, it doesn’t leave us with a lot of actual communication time, does it?

He’s been great at being patient with me and he allows me to disturb him while he’s at work. And I’m thankful that he’s always there when I need him, regardless of how busy he is at that moment. Knowing men, that’s as good as a guy saying he’s prioritizing you, right?

 

Everything Is Temporary

I know at least three friends and family members who are moving halfway across the world for their husbands. I think it’s wonderful and that their sacrifice is beautiful. I also know that leaving behind your family, culture and comfort zone is not something easy.

As happy as I am for them, I can’t help but feel sad that it could have been us, too.