I Can’t Be Friends With You

The irritating thing is, I am usually quite good with staying friends with my exs.

Except for one but that is because I messed up the breakup royally and I don’t think either of us can ever be cordial ever again. (I tried adding him on FB a few months ago but he didn’t respond so I guess someone still hasn’t gotten over it after, ah, 8 years)

But with all that’s happening, I don’t think it can ever be a possibility anymore.

And by the way the girl is setting it up, it looks like you guys are getting engaged soon so I’m not even going to touch that with a 10-foot-pole.

It hurts to see someone living the life that you wanted. But it makes no sense to fight it anymore. I wanted that chance to bond with your family but I guess I’ll never get it.

And to finally realize that you have never actually made space for me to be in your life permanently is killing me too.

I can’t even begin to think that you may still care for me because if you did, you would actually do and say things to make sure that I don’t leave before all this went to hell.

And now that everything has gone to hell, I can’t find the energy or strength to care anymore. I do miss you sometimes, and it hurts sometimes, but I cannot care anymore because I’m so tired of this mess. I am tired of taking care of you and I am tired of being able to anticipate what you want and giving it to you.

I have to say goodbye to you because if I don’t, I will lose my mind.

So no, we can’t be friends.

You Don’t Know That I Know

You don’t know that I know just how confused you are about where your career is heading.

You don’t know that I know just how frustrated you are with life because you feel like you have to prove to people that you can make something out of yourself.

You don’t know that I know just how annoyed you are that things can’t seem to work out for you. But I was willing to go through the difficult times together with you.

You don’t know that I know just how to solve your issues little by little because that was what I was doing for you when we were together.

You don’t know that I know just how difficult things are for you now knowing that you no longer have the luxury of asking for my approval or my opinion on the decisions you want to make because you have always trusted my instincts.

You don’t know that I know that a part of you wants to do well because you think that when you succeed, I’m going to be proven wrong. Just like the first time we broke up.

You don’t know that I know that your new girlfriend doesn’t know how to do these things for you.

You don’t know that I know that you think everything came so easily for me. It didn’t.

You don’t know that I know that you think about me all the time.

You don’t know that I know all these things.

That’s the thing.

You don’t know that I know you. But slowly, you’re beginning to realize that I do. And that you don’t really know me at all.

Facebook, How I Loathe Thee

Taking a break from the Alphabets of a Heartbreak posts because what I have to write about requires more than just a couple of sentences.

This week has been a pretty solid week for me. The emotional ups and downs were less, the Facebook stalking was less, and there were times when he wasn’t even on my mind (as much as he usually is, which is all the time).

Instead of celebrating, I’m actually scared. I feel guilty and paranoid.

“What if this is the calm before the storm? What if it will be worse next week?”

“Is this high going to come with an unbearable low soon?”

Irrational, isn’t it? When you’re supposed to be celebrating the fact that you’re not an emotional basket case, here I am, suspicious that I am actually calm.

Is this normal?

Maybe it’s because his birthday is next week and Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m expecting incredibly mushy posts on his Facebook wall. I mean, let’s be real, of course I’m going to go on Facebook to see despite what all those self-help How to Get Over a Broken Heart articles tell you. I usually practice self restraint but let’s not aim too high okay?

A lot of friends have expressed concerns about me still being friends with him on Facebook. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me first. To a certain extent, I wish he’d block me on everything so that I can finally see him do SOMETHING.

As childish as this sounds, I don’t want to lose. If I unfriend him first, it means that I’ve lost. And I’ve lost so much of my dignity already that I cannot lose this too.

 

People say that you shouldn’t be concerned about your ex’s social media after a break-up. The people who say that don’t know anything about the psychological warfare that occurs through passive aggressive posts in the first few months after a break-up. Every post will be analyzed. Every post is potentially a symbol for something.

I’ve blocked him from seeing my updates on Facebook although we’re friends on it. Yesterday, I shared a public post about the maritime industry. Actual conversation with my Breakup Buddy:

Me: By the way, I posted a maritime based post on fb and had to make it public

BB: Aww someone would be surprised to see that lol

Me: Hahaha and try to figure out WHAT THOSE DAMN CONTAINER SHIPS MEAN?!?!? (Nothing cause it’s my damn job) 

BB: Read into that, bitch 

I love my Breakup Buddy.