Does One Big Mistake Negate The Whole Thing?

Relationships are supposed to be about learning and discovering not only the person you’re with but also yourself. Usually, this means that you’re forced to deal with things about you and about the other person that are somewhat unpleasant. Sometimes, you, or that person, can disappoint you so much that the other person is left questioning whether this is the last straw.

Recently, he made a selfish decision for himself without considering how I would react.¬†And I immediately went on the defense and wondered if we’ll have a future if he keeps on doing this. I didn’t immediately jump and ask him for an ultimatum this time around, like I always do. It’s bad, that habit of mine, and I knew that it has to stop.

That’s the issue that I’m struggling with.

I have a tendency to immediately negate the whole relationship when a guy does something wrong. Instead of taking the time to ask him why he decided to do something, or to explain to him how his actions make me feel, I’ll immediately switch into attack mode and leave. Although talking to my girlfriends will help validate the situation after that, deep down, I’ve begun to realize that my behaviour is not creating a safe environment for him to make mistakes and for us to discuss about them without me pulling the, “Go directly to jail, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200,” card. Heaven knows, I’ve made mistakes and he’s forgiven me without even raising and eyebrow.

Perhaps it’s my inherent need to always be perfect. Or maybe this relationship has had so many doubters that I’m desperate to prove that this relationship is either perfect or I’m out before the casualties come rolling in. Whatever the psychoanalytical reason may be, my mindset is going to ultimately destroy whatever chance of happiness that I may have.

So yesterday, I told him that what he’ll miss out on if he decides to go on with his plans and left it at that. He didn’t say anything to it, which usually means he’s still thinking about it. The beauty of our relationship is that we don’t necessarily talk everyday and because of this situation, I need a few more days away from him. And I can’t deny that I’m scared about how he’ll react to me after this but at least I’m proud of myself that I didn’t run away immediately this time.

Believing That You Are Enough

No amount of Mariah Carey Hero-Can’t Take That Away-Make It Happen replays will be enough when you are stuck with low confidence.

Growing up, I suffered from horrible low self-confidence. It has been a painfully slow journey to help repair years of verbal trauma I received from kids in school. As a grown up, and on certain days, I’ve come to realize that the words that they used to taunt me with were reflections of their own insecurities, not mine. But because they were said to my face too often, they became my own insecurities and it took some really special individuals and an extremely strong mom to help turn my thoughts around, most of the time.

You can’t truly escape insecurities. They will always be there. Sometimes, although you really don’t want them to, they rule your thoughts and emotions. How does a person change that around, then? How do you let tell the difference between your insecurities and your limitations?

There are a lot of psychiatrists who will be able to help people out. I’m not one of them. But what I do have is experience. Although I’m still trying to deal with a lot of things that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for, there are some life lessons that I’ve learnt which have helped shaped who I am today.

First, I’ve discovered that being to believe that you are good enough, you need to listen to that voice inside of you that wants to achieve those goals. If that voice says that you want it, then you need to work on making sure that you can get it. The insecurities that will inevitably come will drown out your determination and that is when you need to take a step back and realize that your insecurities shouldn’t have power over you. How would they know? You haven’t even tried yet. And so what if you failed? The thing is, you.have.not.tried.yet. And until you do, you will never know.

Secondly, if there is someone out there who seems to have negative vibes whenever they are around you, you need to understand that it says more about them than it does about you. Negative people are trying to deflect their own insecurities by bringing you down. It’s only when they see you faltering that they are able to boost their confidence in themselves. People who feed off other people’s insecurities are hollow inside because they use other human beings to validate themselves. Perhaps they will find something that will make them happy and feel validated one day. But until then, measuring your worth based on how they see you will only turn you into a smaller version of yourself and make you blind towards your full potential.

You are lucky to be who you are. Sometimes we forget that we have a lot of blessings in our lives because we are so focused on the things that we want. Sometimes, when a person rejects us, we feel like we’re the lowest of human beings and that they are right up there close to the best of them. We want their acknowledgement, we want their acceptance, we want their attention. The problem is, when we fight to make them notice us, we don’t realize that it will only be considered as desperate. We may think it doesn’t look desperate but who are we kidding, really? And this is something that I’ve had to struggle a lot with lately. If they were not able to see your worth while you were with them and when things were good, what makes us think they’ll be able to see your worth now that you’re apart and things are relatively bad? No amount of passive aggressive coaxing will be enough. And if you’re trying to fix a relationship, or trying to get over one, no contact only works when it’s really no contact. Not no contact but your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter is suddenly blowing up with things that you never did when you were with that person. Someone told me that they classiest way to deal with rejection is to just move away and carry on with your life like the person’s absence is insignificant. Maybe it’ll bring the person back. Maybe the person will just walk away. But what’s the point in putting in hard work to make someone notice you when around you, you have so many other people who already love you and can’t imagine not having you in their lives? You didn’t have to work hard to get their attention, did you? And you’re happy with them, aren’t you? You are responsible for your worth. Don’t decrease its value just because of one person.

It’s not easy to believe that you are truly enough. I know that I have days where I feel like I am the worst excuse of a human being when things just won’t right. But I’ve also come to realize that no matter how ‘great’ another person is, that should not devalue my greatness as well. Sometimes, we need to learn to believe in ourselves, especially since other people seem to.


Breakup Buddies

Just A Little Backstory

I had my first major breakup when I was 18. It was my first relationship ever and we were both consumed with ourselves. I used to write short stories, he used to write poetry. We’d express our feelings towards each other through our preferred mediums. Six months later, the relationship crashed and burned like an epic love story gone wrong. That was in 2002. Fast-forward to 2014 and apparently, he’s still not over us. I’m over him but I have to admit that he did set the bar pretty high when it came to the type of guys I fell for after him. So high in fact that no man has ever come close to it except for this one that I’m trying to get over.

So that means that it’s going to be a bumpy recovery.

On To The Point Of This Post

So the thing is, words have always been synonymous to love and heartbreak for me. I’ve come to learn that it’s what you say and how you say things that makes the biggest difference. Words can hurt, and words can soothe. Words can heal and words can kill.

And sometimes, through words, when they are found in books, can make things just a little bit better.

Last week, I downloaded¬†Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt’s book, It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken onto my Kindle. I was beginning to find myself repeating the same things over and over again to my friend, or Breakup Buddy as the book calls it, so I knew that it was time I seek some help from self-help books. And I didn’t want to buy the book at the bookstore because do I really need to tell the whole world that I am going through a breakup?

Hello salt, meet my open wound.

So Kindle it was and like a teenage boy secretly reading his first adult magazine, I pawed through it like a crazy person.

“Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but every breath hurts. Let’s just say my ribs were broken for a long time.”¬†

It’s through though. No one can see it. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk about it sometimes. Because you don’t want people to see your pain. But at the same time, maybe that’s why you can’t seem to stop talking about it. Because you want people to understand that you are going through pain.

I’ve been luckily enough to have friends around me who are willing to be my Breakup Buddies. Breakup Buddies are heaven sent. They are blessed with patience that is incomparable. It takes an extra patient saint to be able to tolerate a person’s constant whining, crying, screaming, wailing and over-analyzing about her ex and still have the patience to be objective and supportive while providing constructive criticisms towards your behaviour. Like, for real, I’m buying each of my Breakup Buddies a little gift next month as a thank you because they deserve it (and more).

In It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken, they’ve listed the qualities that a Breakup Buddy should have to ensure that the recovery process will be able to go on as smoothly as possible. They are:

  1. Has at least a mild knowledge of your relationship
  2. Is a good listener or is good at pretending they are
  3. Thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas!
  4. Has a cell phone, pager, or other reliable way of being contacted
  5. Lives in close enough proximity to be accessible during emergency breakup meltdowns
  6. Has an hour a day to talk to you should you need them
  7. Has been through a breakup as well
  8. Does not work as a professional clown

Every girl going through a breakup needs a Breakup Buddy. We can’t do this alone. And although number 5 is sort of necessary, my journey has shown me that the person does not necessarily have to be there physically sometimes as long as they are there when you reach out.

See, the ugly truth about girl friendships is your friendship can be awesome but it is never truly tested until one of you goes through a breakup. You can be surprised at who is able to handle you at your weakest state and who isn’t.

My next book: Mars and Venus Starting Over!