I Can’t Be Friends With You

The irritating thing is, I am usually quite good with staying friends with my exs.

Except for one but that is because I messed up the breakup royally and I don’t think either of us can ever be cordial ever again. (I tried adding him on FB a few months ago but he didn’t respond so I guess someone still hasn’t gotten over it after, ah, 8 years)

But with all that’s happening, I don’t think it can ever be a possibility anymore.

And by the way the girl is setting it up, it looks like you guys are getting engaged soon so I’m not even going to touch that with a 10-foot-pole.

It hurts to see someone living the life that you wanted. But it makes no sense to fight it anymore. I wanted that chance to bond with your family but I guess I’ll never get it.

And to finally realize that you have never actually made space for me to be in your life permanently is killing me too.

I can’t even begin to think that you may still care for me because if you did, you would actually do and say things to make sure that I don’t leave before all this went to hell.

And now that everything has gone to hell, I can’t find the energy or strength to care anymore. I do miss you sometimes, and it hurts sometimes, but I cannot care anymore because I’m so tired of this mess. I am tired of taking care of you and I am tired of being able to anticipate what you want and giving it to you.

I have to say goodbye to you because if I don’t, I will lose my mind.

So no, we can’t be friends.

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Believing That You Are Enough

No amount of Mariah Carey Hero-Can’t Take That Away-Make It Happen replays will be enough when you are stuck with low confidence.

Growing up, I suffered from horrible low self-confidence. It has been a painfully slow journey to help repair years of verbal trauma I received from kids in school. As a grown up, and on certain days, I’ve come to realize that the words that they used to taunt me with were reflections of their own insecurities, not mine. But because they were said to my face too often, they became my own insecurities and it took some really special individuals and an extremely strong mom to help turn my thoughts around, most of the time.

You can’t truly escape insecurities. They will always be there. Sometimes, although you really don’t want them to, they rule your thoughts and emotions. How does a person change that around, then? How do you let tell the difference between your insecurities and your limitations?

There are a lot of psychiatrists who will be able to help people out. I’m not one of them. But what I do have is experience. Although I’m still trying to deal with a lot of things that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for, there are some life lessons that I’ve learnt which have helped shaped who I am today.

First, I’ve discovered that being to believe that you are good enough, you need to listen to that voice inside of you that wants to achieve those goals. If that voice says that you want it, then you need to work on making sure that you can get it. The insecurities that will inevitably come will drown out your determination and that is when you need to take a step back and realize that your insecurities shouldn’t have power over you. How would they know? You haven’t even tried yet. And so what if you failed? The thing is, you.have.not.tried.yet. And until you do, you will never know.

Secondly, if there is someone out there who seems to have negative vibes whenever they are around you, you need to understand that it says more about them than it does about you. Negative people are trying to deflect their own insecurities by bringing you down. It’s only when they see you faltering that they are able to boost their confidence in themselves. People who feed off other people’s insecurities are hollow inside because they use other human beings to validate themselves. Perhaps they will find something that will make them happy and feel validated one day. But until then, measuring your worth based on how they see you will only turn you into a smaller version of yourself and make you blind towards your full potential.

You are lucky to be who you are. Sometimes we forget that we have a lot of blessings in our lives because we are so focused on the things that we want. Sometimes, when a person rejects us, we feel like we’re the lowest of human beings and that they are right up there close to the best of them. We want their acknowledgement, we want their acceptance, we want their attention. The problem is, when we fight to make them notice us, we don’t realize that it will only be considered as desperate. We may think it doesn’t look desperate but who are we kidding, really? And this is something that I’ve had to struggle a lot with lately. If they were not able to see your worth while you were with them and when things were good, what makes us think they’ll be able to see your worth now that you’re apart and things are relatively bad? No amount of passive aggressive coaxing will be enough. And if you’re trying to fix a relationship, or trying to get over one, no contact only works when it’s really no contact. Not no contact but your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter is suddenly blowing up with things that you never did when you were with that person. Someone told me that they classiest way to deal with rejection is to just move away and carry on with your life like the person’s absence is insignificant. Maybe it’ll bring the person back. Maybe the person will just walk away. But what’s the point in putting in hard work to make someone notice you when around you, you have so many other people who already love you and can’t imagine not having you in their lives? You didn’t have to work hard to get their attention, did you? And you’re happy with them, aren’t you? You are responsible for your worth. Don’t decrease its value just because of one person.

It’s not easy to believe that you are truly enough. I know that I have days where I feel like I am the worst excuse of a human being when things just won’t right. But I’ve also come to realize that no matter how ‘great’ another person is, that should not devalue my greatness as well. Sometimes, we need to learn to believe in ourselves, especially since other people seem to.

Yesteryda