I Can’t Be Friends With You

The irritating thing is, I am usually quite good with staying friends with my exs.

Except for one but that is because I messed up the breakup royally and I don’t think either of us can ever be cordial ever again. (I tried adding him on FB a few months ago but he didn’t respond so I guess someone still hasn’t gotten over it after, ah, 8 years)

But with all that’s happening, I don’t think it can ever be a possibility anymore.

And by the way the girl is setting it up, it looks like you guys are getting engaged soon so I’m not even going to touch that with a 10-foot-pole.

It hurts to see someone living the life that you wanted. But it makes no sense to fight it anymore. I wanted that chance to bond with your family but I guess I’ll never get it.

And to finally realize that you have never actually made space for me to be in your life permanently is killing me too.

I can’t even begin to think that you may still care for me because if you did, you would actually do and say things to make sure that I don’t leave before all this went to hell.

And now that everything has gone to hell, I can’t find the energy or strength to care anymore. I do miss you sometimes, and it hurts sometimes, but I cannot care anymore because I’m so tired of this mess. I am tired of taking care of you and I am tired of being able to anticipate what you want and giving it to you.

I have to say goodbye to you because if I don’t, I will lose my mind.

So no, we can’t be friends.

Make Up Your Damn MIND.

I don’t understand you.

You said you want us to be in touch. In fact, you went out of your way to make sure that I know just how much you want us to work this out. I went along with it when you already knew full well that I don’t usually compromise.

You were annoyed that I wanted to change the tone of the friendship to something less friendly. I caved and slowly and gingerly returned to my normal self after every successful attempt that you did to fix things.

You said that we can only be friends. That’s what I’m trying to be with you.

I considered that maybe you’re not comfortable with me being more affectionate now than ever before. What did you expect, asshole? I laid out all that my heart felt towards you and there’s literally nothing left for me to hide with you. If you had no problems being upfront with me about other things, why can’t you be upfront with me if you’re uncomfortable with this?

I also considered that maybe you don’t know where I’m at in my dating life but I pushed that aside because I think you’d have the balls to actually ask me.

And today, when I called you out about how non-cheerful you’ve been lately, you just pish-poshed it as me imagining things. Bull shit. Bulllllllll shit.

What the fuck do you want from me? Seriously? It doesn’t make sense how you’re working so hard to keep this friendship going and yet you’re pissed as hell about something.

I will strangle you if you claim that I’m trying to get you back. You have no idea just how much you destroyed me this year. What makes you think I’m just going to let myself subject to all that trauma and uncertainty again?

I don’t know what the hell it is that you want from me.

Your ex-girlfriend (hah) wants you back and she’s not shy about it. As much as it is killing me to accept that you may just run back to her, I have to, well, accept it. And since you’re so bloody confident that you can handle a friendship and a relationship long distance like this, let’s see you try.

I may get hurt again, we may fight again. Whatever it is, I just want you to be honest and up front with me about it instead of running and dodging. If you want a friendship, baby, honesty is key. And I need to woman up and accept that you will have girlfriends in the future. And you need to fucking be a man and tell me up front that you think it’s a bad idea for us to keep in touch.

This time around, it’s going to be you who decides on what you want because I’m not going to decide anymore, hun.

 

September Song

I accidentally found an old email in my work inbox. It was from HR, informing us that you were joining our company for a few months. I don’t know if you know this but they even scanned a copy of your passport, something HR had never done before with our other international colleagues.

How did we get here? How did you go from, “Oh, another guy working in the office for a few months, just another face!” to the biggest influence in my life?

We met in September 2013. The last time we saw each other was in September 2016. It has been 3 years of ups and downs to a point where I don’t even know what we are anymore.

But you really are my September Song, you know. We may not have been 15 when we met but you made me feel that high school love when we were together. The giggling, stolen moments in the quiet corners of the office, the awkward times you’d just pop into my office to see me, literally, and then walked away quickly without saying a word when I asked you if you needed anything, and how you’d never fail to smile and take off your earphones whenever you saw me coming into the office.

I miss you.

I hate that we’re not as close as we were before.

 

 

I Wish It Were That Simple

After liking one of his Facebook posts, my first time reaching out after this whole fiasco happened, he broke things off with her 4 days later.

I know what he wants. I know what he’s expecting me to do.

And he thinks it’s that simple for us to fix things again.

The girl is not letting him go easily. Of course I’m monitoring her Facebook too. She still has her relationship status on prominent display both on Facebook and Instagram. He hid his relationship information but of course I’m wondering why he can’t simply just, with one click of a button, release the relationship status? If he has gone to the trouble of scrolling down his feed to delete every trace of her, except for the relationship update.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not relieved. I am. But not all of me. There are some parts of me that are still weary and still uncertain if I can trust him. I know that he’s looking for one more direct contact from me or, if he thinks he’s lucky, a text from me. I’m not considering it yet because I don’t want the same patters to happen all over again. If I do that, we won’t have the crucial post-cheating talk that we need to have. I can only have that if he reaches out first.

So do I think he’ll reach out first? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll play this passive aggressive game on Facebook or if one of us will cave in. But as long as that girl still has that status on her profile and Facebook, I’m not taking things for granted and I’m not budging.

Friday Confession

We are still at the Facebook stalking game playing face. The best response is to not engage but I’m only human and I have close to zero resistance towards not engaging.

He’s online, I know, but he’s not posting. He’s doing what I did to him – the silent treatment. He’s trying to incite in me whatever emotions he felt when I gave him the silent treatment.

I accidentally posted something that indicated that I may want to reconcile. I didn’t realize that that was what the post meant until later on when a few friends mentioned it. Then I posted something about letting go. And today, I posted something that would have indicated that I am melancholic about us. Basically, I’d have been fucking with his brain this week.

It’s a stupid and childish game and I can’t help but indulge in it because I’m weak. We were passive aggressive in the first breakup so it’s no surprise that we’re here like this again.

And posting a song without a caption is a big indicator that it’s for the other person. So. Ed Sheeran’s Perfect may fuck with his mind.

Is he still with that girl? Yes,  of course. So why even consider this? Why even think he’s spending his time doing this?

Because I know him too well and I know what he’s thinking.

That’s the danger about being too connected. You can read his movements and their intentions behind it.

You Don’t Know That I Know

You don’t know that I know just how confused you are about where your career is heading.

You don’t know that I know just how frustrated you are with life because you feel like you have to prove to people that you can make something out of yourself.

You don’t know that I know just how annoyed you are that things can’t seem to work out for you. But I was willing to go through the difficult times together with you.

You don’t know that I know just how to solve your issues little by little because that was what I was doing for you when we were together.

You don’t know that I know just how difficult things are for you now knowing that you no longer have the luxury of asking for my approval or my opinion on the decisions you want to make because you have always trusted my instincts.

You don’t know that I know that a part of you wants to do well because you think that when you succeed, I’m going to be proven wrong. Just like the first time we broke up.

You don’t know that I know that your new girlfriend doesn’t know how to do these things for you.

You don’t know that I know that you think everything came so easily for me. It didn’t.

You don’t know that I know that you think about me all the time.

You don’t know that I know all these things.

That’s the thing.

You don’t know that I know you. But slowly, you’re beginning to realize that I do. And that you don’t really know me at all.